Sirius Black and the Mashed Cauliflower Piss
by Return Of The Nightmare
Summary: Post-GoF crack fic. In which Sirius' attempts at getting control over Harry's life by adopting him turns into a mad day where a greasy git gets murdered by screaming Order members. Ron jerks off to dead Ladies, Kingsley is fabulous, freaky goblin magics, and will we ever know Harry's true identity? Will Sirius ever get his dream shag?


**A/N**: This fic has been updated to fix some minor plotholes and grammar.

* * *

**WARNING**

This fic is what one could define as a crack fic (increasingly so as it progresses) and therefore should not be taken seriously. Flames about the illogicality of this buttered toast shalt be ignored or used to entertain our resident pyromaniac, who just so happens to be wanking off staring at the fireplace right now. Oh, and her name's Bob. And she has five little pussies.

* * *

"Are you sure you want to do this, Sirius?"

"Yes, Remus."

"Absolutely sure?"

"Yes."

"One hundred percent positive?"

"_Yes_."

"There's no going back once it's done you know."

"I _know_."

"You can always back out now, if you want. I'm sure it won't change anythi-"

"Remus, are you going to stop making it sound like we're about to screw and let me fucking abduct my godson?" Sirius Black snapped at his friend.

Said werewolf held his hands up in surrender. "Fine, fine. I know what you suspect, it's just… if you're wrong, they're not going to trust you again."

Sirius shook his head. "I don't fucking care. Molly acts like she owns the fucking place, bitching about how I'm not a good enough godfather (which is quite a sensitive subject for me, as it happens); Hermione gives me these disapproving looks every five minutes we're in the same room; Ron's genetics are so inbred that he can't string enough words together to form a coherent sentence; Ginny keeps yapping on about how she's going to be Harry's wife; Snivellus keeps sneering at me and mocking my godson; and Dumbledore doesn't care that I'm Harry's godfather, he just makes my decisions for me. I mean, _I_ would never vote for werewolf oppressing laws! _I_ would never send my godson to abusive muggles! Seriously Moony, if they really do care about Harry and I'm mistaken, then it was hardly an unreasonable mistake!"

Remus bit his lip and glanced at the fireplace. "I get what you're saying, it's just… well, I'm just trying to be level-headed here," he smiled sheepishly, "I'm worried that if I decide to agree with you I won't be able to think straight and that it'll get us into a load of danger."

"I could drag you along if it helps," Sirius said with an amused expression.

The werewolf shook his head. "No. I'll just… you know what, stun me. That way I won't be able to alert anyone."

Shrugging, the dog animagus stunned his friend and apparated away with him. Because screw apparition wards.

* * *

Harry stared up at the man who'd just appeared in his bedroom. "Erm, Sirius…" he began carefully, "I'm glad to see you and all, but… why have you got Remus unconscious and drooling over your shoulder?"

Sirius glanced at his friend's face to find that yes, he was indeed drooling. '_Huh_,' he thought, '_didn't know you could do that unconscious_._ Must be a werewolf thing._'

He shrugged and turned back to the near-sixteen year-old. "I'm abducting you. You have ten minutes to pack your stuff up before I apparate you to a faraway place where we can spend the summer away from the manipulative flamingos."

"What? Sirius-"

"Nine minutes and fifty-five seconds! I'll be outside!" Sirius sang playfully as he sprang back through the door.

Shrugging, Harry quickly shoved all of his belongings into his trunk. In all honesty, he was glad to be leaving with his godfather, but the way he'd just apparated in had been disturbing. How many people had apparated into his room without him realising it? The image of Colin Creevey being apparated in by the Weasley twins, grins stretched across their faces, taking all sorts of embarrassing pictures of him as he slept appeared in his mind, and he shuddered. No way was he going to sleep peacefully now.

Bang on the dot, Sirius barged into the room again with a crazy grin on his face and a mad glint in his grey eyes. Remus was still slung over his shoulder. "I'm here to abduct you Harry," he cried, twirling his wand like a sword. "Gather your belongings and take my hand, lest I need to abduct you by force!"

"Isn't that the point of abduction?"

"Fuck knows, but _you're not moving, Harry!_ Moooove!" Sirius yelled.

"Alright, alright. No need to wake up the Dursleys…" Harry grumbled.

At this, Sirius grinned. "Oh don't worry about them," he said innocently, "they'll be asleep for about a week."

"What? Won't they starve?" asked Harry in curiosity and not a hint of concern.

"Meh, who cares. You ready?"

"Hell yes."

"Then off we go."

* * *

A moment later, the trio was standing (or hanging in Remus' case) in a stone room with a goblin. The goblin nodded, almost as if he'd expected them, and guided them through a long series of tunnels, during which time Sirius moaned about Remus' weight until he remembered that he's a wizard and therefore could just levitate the man. After that epiphany, the fugitive was much happier.

"Sirius, why are we in Gringotts?" Harry asked.

The man turned to smile at him. "Well, if you're okay with it, I figured I'd adopt you."

Harry's eyes went wide in shock. "A-adopt me?"

"Yep," Sirius said cheerfully as they turned a sharp corner. "I'll let you decide what type of adoption – blood, name, brain, locust, replacement, addition, whatever - but with you being my legally adopted son, no one will be able to say 'No, Sirius, you cannot do this! You're not his guardian!' when I say 'Harry is not staying with the Dursleys this summer!'"

Harry eyed the man with tears in his eyes. After all this time of being beaten and starved by obese walruses and pigs and omnivorous giraffes, he would have a real parent! For the first time he could remember, he would have someone who could say 'Oh hell no!' when people tried to be dicks to him by- oh, I don't know; forcing him into a dangerous competition for adults? Writing degrading bullshit about him in the papers? For once he would have someone who could say 'You can't do that,' when people like Rita Skeeter and such did such things. Oh the joy!

"You'd do that?" he asked desperately. "Are you sure? You don't have to, I mean, it's not too bad there. I don't want to be a burde-"

"Don't you dare say you'll be a burden, Harry," Sirius said firmly, giving Harry a powerful stare. To Harry, it seemed as if an invisible – duh – wind was gently drifting through his godfather's hair, making his statement all the more emotional. "Any other kid would be a burden, but you're just brilliant, Harry. I would love nothing more than to adopt you."

"Thank you," Harry whispered.

Sirius smiled and wrapped an arm round the teenager's shoulders. "Don't mention it."

* * *

The goblin stared at the strange trio (Remus now simply unarmed and tied to a chair, quite conscious). "Are you certain you wish to blood adopt Mr Potter, Mr Black?"

"There is nothing I would like to do more at the moment," Sirius said contentedly, his arm around Harry's shoulder again. "Except maybe shag him senseless, but I'll do that in another universe instead."

Harry's eye twitched.

"Well, there might be a bit of a problem there," the goblin admitted. "Technically speaking - and I mean _technically_ here - you can't adopt your own son, although I suppose it's been done before-"

"Wait, what?" Sirius asked incredulously. "What do you mean Harry's my son?"

Screwjaw eyed them warily. "Well, I mean he's your son, Mr Black…"

Sirius' eyes bugged. "How… how does that work?"

"Well, I suppose you and Mrs Black got a little steamy one day, and-"

"Yeah, I get the idea of where babies come from," said Sirius impatiently. "It's just… Harry's Lily and James' son. Not mine."

The goblin paled slightly. "Oh shit. It's fucking true."

"What's true?" Sirius demanded.

"Sirius, did that goblin just swear?" Harry whispered fearfully.

"GRIPHOOK! SEND ME THE CAULIFLOWER CONDIMENTS!" Screwjaw bellowed. A goblin standing shiftily by the door yelped and dashed away. Screwjaw sat back and eyed the trio, all business-like all of a sudden. "The cauliflower condiments are the secret to our success. They negate the effects of any magic used upon the consumer. For example, if Mr Lupin had been hit with a cutting curse at the neck, and he consumed the cauliflower condiments, his neck would heal." He paused in consideration for a moment. "Not that it's possible to do so with a slit throat mind you, so perhaps that was a bad example."

"How would that be the secret to a banker's success?" asked Harry in confusion.

Sirius ignored him and blinked at the goblin. "Can it cure lycanthropy?"

"No, and it cannot re-grow limbs or bring back the dead, so don't get any ideas," drawled Screwjaw, also ignoring Harry's question. At that moment, Griphook returned with a bowl full of what looked like mashed cauliflower in piss. Screwjaw drew a ladle out of nowhere and poured some into two mugs. "Drink, humans, and feel the bliss of goblin magic," he said, pushing the mugs towards Harry and Sirius.

Harry noticed that the mug meant for him had a cartoon of a blissful, peaceful, and very, very naked Albus Dumbledore on the handle. The cartoon Dumbledore's eyes were imbedded blue gems that twinkled almost unnaturally. Sirius' mug had batman on it.

Feeling more than slightly awkward, they took the mugs (Harry not even touching the handle) and drank what did indeed taste like old cauliflower in piss. Then they felt the magic working on them as their memories returned, and when Sirius looked back at Harry, he nearly screamed in fright.

There Harry was, looking almost exactly like a younger version of Sirius himself only with green eyes. The teen in question was holding a strand of his long, wavy dark hair, eyeing it in fascination. Remus was gaping at the now not-wimpy teen as Harry pulled his glasses off and said "Hey, I can see!"

Screwjaw scoffed. "Of course you can. Here, the cauliflower condiment bowl recorded your ailments on random pieces of parchment on my desk. Take a look."

Sirius and Harry leaned in together to read, ignoring the gaping Remus who was also trying to get a peek.

**_Name_**_: Orion Sirius Black-Potter_

**_Parents_**_: Sirius Orion Black and Lily Marigold Black nee Evans_

**_Godparents_**_: James Charlus Potter and Alice Longbottom_

**_Adoptive Parents_**_: James Charlus Potter (by blood)_

**_Date of Birth_**_: 31/07/1980_

**_Magical Ailments_**_:_

_Advanced Glamour Charm – dispelled_

_Optical Hampering Charm – dispelled_

_Memory Charms – dispelled_

_Intelligence Suppressor – dispelled_

_Soul Piece – dispelled_

_Anti-Independence Charm – dispelled_

_Loyalty Charms – dispelled_

_Self-Inflicted Magic Suppressor - dispelled_

**_Soul Mate_**_:_

_Soul mates have been revealed to not actually exist since the creation of the cauliflower condiments, since the cauliflower condiments are perfect and no one could ever fool them and no purebloods have been revealed to have a soul mate by the cauliflower condiments. No but seriously, soul mates don't fucking exist._

**_Name_**_: Sirius Orion Black_

**_Parents_**_: Orion Black and Walburga Black nee Black_

**_Date of Birth_**_: 20/10/1959_

**_Magical Ailments_**_:_

_Memory Charms – dispelled_

_Loyalty Charms – dispelled_

**_Soul Mate_**_:_

_Soul mates have been revealed to not actually exist since the creation of the cauliflower condiments, since the cauliflower condiments are perfect and no one could ever fool them and no purebloods have been revealed to have a soul mate by the cauliflower condiments. No but seriously, soul mates don't fucking exist._

Sirius bit his lip. "Maybe Remus should take some of that cauliflower stuff of yours as well. He's a bit too loyal to Dumbledore for my tastes."

Just at that moment, Remus' eyes bugged out and he screeched "ALL HAIL ALBUS DUMBLEDOOOOOOOOREE!"

The others blinked. "Okay, I didn't think he was _quite_ that bad," admitted Sirius as he saw Remus begin to foam at the mouth.

"Neither did I," Screwjaw also admitted, scratching his chin. "You might have to hold him still. He looks rabid."

"It isn't even the full moon yet…" Harry muttered.

Five minutes and another mug of cauliflower piss later, an unrestrained Remus Lupin smiled at them. "Ah, I feel much better now."

"Chocolate, Remus?" asked Sirius dryly with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh no, I'll be fine for now." Remus shook his head.

"If you're done," Screwjaw interrupted, "this is the part where you confront your traitors. You know, other than Pettigrew, since we have no fucking idea where that dick is right now, and no one on fanfiction cares about his involvement apart from his mysterious capture leading to Mr Black Sr's freedom."

* * *

**PART FIVE**

**THE PART WHERE THEY CONFRONT YOU**

Not long later, residents of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place nearly jumped out of their skin at the sound of the front door being kicked open dramatically.

"HELLOOOOOOOOOO PEOPLES HOGGING SPACE IN MY HOUSE," bellowed Sirius as he walked in, left arm round Harry's shoulders… again. "Come out here, we've got shit to yap about!"

"BLOOD TRAITORS! MUDBLOODS! CANNON BALLS! BALLSACKS IN MY DRESSER-"

"NOOO DON'T TELL THEM THAT!" came the high-pitched scream of Ronald Weasley as he practically fell down the stairs to shut Walburga Black's portrait up. The Gringotts Trio just stared at the redhead with raised eyebrows as he tried in vain to close the curtains.

"MASTURBATING TO MY PERSONAL PHOTO ALBUMS! NEVER HAVE I REGRETTED BEING A VAIN BITCH MORE THAN THIS! IT'S A DISGRACE, I TELL YOU! AND I'M TELLING YOU, SIRIUS ORION FUCKING BLACK – NO, NOT ME - IF YOU DON'T EVICT THIS TURD FROM MY HOUSE THIS INSTANT-"

Walburga was suddenly interrupted by a deep, calming voice that sent the females – and gay men – in the room into a daze.

"Here, give me that, Ron," said Kingsley as he exited the kitchen, robes swirling like a calm ocean behind him and light shining off his bald head like a holy eggshell. Those observing could have sworn time slowed down as he bravely adjusted his tie like a total badass. The auror shut the curtains with ease and total badassness, and then turned to look at the boy sternly, arms crossed like a holy messenger. "I don't even want to know what she was talking about, but you do realise that you're a guest in this house, and-"

"Oh Kingsley, I'm sure it was nothing," said Molly Weasley in a creepily sweet voice, "Ronnie would never do that… Now Ronnie, go find Harry and go play, alright?" she said to the scowling teen.

Ron just groaned at her. "But that's why I was in there, mum; Potter isn't even fucking here yet!"

Molly's eyes bugged. "You… you're admitting to it?!"

"Er…" the teenager paled, and frantically looked around to try and find some help. That was when he caught sight of the disgusted Sirius, Remus and Har-Orion. Sorry, it's Orion. You never get used to this shit, seriously. Why did I even change the prick's name? Anyway, Ron's eyes widened when they caught sight of Orion. "Mum, it's Sirius and Remus! And some totally hot guy," he finished, eyeing Orion up, much to said teen's displeasure.

His mother swirled around, face having lost a little colour, and seemed about to go on a red-faced rant about how Sirius wasn't meant to go out before she caught sight of Orion. She gazed at his long hair in disapproval, and Orion was suddenly glad the scar had gone with the soul fragment. "Who's this then, Sirius?" she said in disdain.

However, just as Sirius was about to start their grand 'you-betrayed-our-trust-now-we're-going-total-dick-on-you' rant, Ron turned green. "HOLY SHIT! Mum! That's Sirius' gay lover! And he looks about my age!"

Molly Weasley screamed. "Oh my goodness! Get away from him, child," she said frantically to Orion, "he's going to rape your pretty little balls off! Come here so I can suffocate you with my over-sized boobies!"

Orion's eye twitched again. "I highly doubt he's going to rape me."

"Kid," Kingsley began calmly, once again looking like some hot dude off a fizzy drink advert in the summer, "I know Sirius is a handsome bloke. And I know you're a looker for a kid. Hell – you look like you could be father and son or something, the resemblance is uncanny! But _hot doesn't mean good!" _he said passionately. "We don't want you to go through anything unnecessary."

"As I was _saying_-"

"Oh child, come to me," Molly said again, smiling sickly, "I promise you will come to no harm with the Weasleys."

'_Fucking hell, I think I'm in more danger of rape with her!_' thought Orion in disgust. He mentally shook his head to clear his thoughts. "As I was saying, I think it's highly unlikely for-"

"You're just a child, you wouldn't understand-"

"Yeah well, I'm his son," snapped Orion with a glare.

Silence filled the room. Then;

"HOW DID THAT MUTT GET A SON?!"

"WHERE DID HE COME FROM?!"

"No wonder they look so alike…"

"HOLY SHIT HE'S GONNA RAPE HIS OWN SON!"

"FUCKING HELL, SOMEONE FIND HARRY!"

"OH MY GOD, HE'S PROBABLY GOT HIM TIED NAKED TO A BED POST OR SOME SHIT!"

"WHY DOES NO ONE FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT HARRY ISN'T EVEN HERE YET?!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! HE NEEDS TO BE A VIRGIN TO GET MARRIED!"

"No Ginny, so long as _you_ don't have sex with anyone you'll be fine. Only one of you has to be a virgin," Molly explained to her daughter. "Yes, _he_ was meant to be the virgin in your marriage, but so long as you keep your cool you'll be fine."

"I AM NOT TIED TO A FUCKING BED POST, NOR AM I ABOUT TO GET RAPED!" bellowed Orion, startling everyone. "And dad isn't a rapist either. God, you'd think you're in his house or something!"

"Child-"

"Look, I've known my dad personally for a whole year now. I think I'd know if he was perving on me," Orion explained, trying not to recall what Sirius said in Gringotts. It didn't help that Sirius' cheeks had gained a little colour and his eyes had turned glassy, causing Remus to roll his eyes.

Molly looked a little afraid. "But- but you're… Harry's godbrother?" she asked in confusion.

Orion rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Correction, I _am_ Harry."

"And Harry never even existed outside Dumbledore's little fantasies, so that's quite an achievement," added Remus helpfully.

"But- but Harry is a Potter," exclaimed Molly, "not a Black!"

Kingsley eyed Orion and Sirius with interest. "Actually, I get the feeling he _is_ a Black," he commented. "How did this come about, then?"

"Well, not many people knew of mine and Lily's involvement," Sirius explained, keeping one eye on Molly; a hard feat for someone with normal eyes. Orion noticed that Mad-Eye, who had just emerged from the kitchen, had his magical eye on her and her daughter. "Even less knew of Orion here. We wanted to keep him safe, but of course, it's impossible to keep things from _Dumbledore_," Sirius spat loathingly.

"Then this stupid 'prophesy' was told by Sybil Trelawney, who honestly was just trying to get a job." Remus rolled his eyes at the thought of her coming up with something true at a moment as fortunate as that. Oh wait, Harry's third year… oh well. "It said that there would be a boy born at the end of July who would be able to defeat some Dark Lord. This fit both Orion and Neville Longbottom, but Dumbledore couldn't risk the saviour of the wizarding world coming from a family known to have been dark for generations."

"And that's when he becomes a massive git," scowled Sirius, who Orion noticed no longer had glassy, unfocused eyes. Thank god for that. "He altered our memories so we all thought James, Orion's godfather, was his dad, I his godfather, and that Orion's name was Harry. He then changed Harry's appearance, and voila!"

Arthur Weasley was eyeing them with a sympathetic look. "Dang, that must have been painful."

"How do they even remember though?" Ron interrupted rudely. "I mean, they were obliviated, weren't they?"

"Ron, if a memory charm is done properly, you can undo it with the right knowledge," Arthur explained patiently. "The problem with your old Defence professor was that it was a complete cock up of a charm."

Ron nodded gormlessly. "So, does Ginny still have to marry him?"

"Ronald, there are people listening!" snapped Molly.

"Wait, what's all this about?" asked an alert Arthur, who had probably missed the earlier conversation. "What's all this about Ginny marrying Harry?"

Molly flinched, then quickly adopted a sappy pose that made Orion want to crinkle his nose in disgust. "Oh Arthur, it's quite obvious that Ginny and Harry are made for each other… I mean, they look exactly like his parents with the eyes flipped round!"

At this point, Sirius intervened. "On the other hand, your daughter looks nothing like my late wife," he said coldly. "Lily was possibly the most beautiful girl to attend Hogwarts - even James said that, and he was gay! Your daughter isn't even pretty, her hair is the completely wrong shade of red, she has freckles – which Lily never had – and she has a round face. Lily _never_ had a round face."

"They were the hottest couple to attend Hogwarts in centuries, probably," inserted Remus.

"And I don't have brown eyes, either," added Sirius as an afterthought, "really, I don't know where you got that idea from. They're _grey_. Much prettier colour."

The Weasley matriarch was now red in the face with anger. "ARE YOU SAYING MY BABY GIRL ISN'T PRETTY?!"

"YES!" yelled Sirius and Orion rebelliously, but not a touch untruthfully.

"Leave this to me, Molly," said Kingsley in a calm, badass tone, rolling his sleeves up, "I'll judge your daughter for you."

He stood in front of the desperate looking near-fifteen year-old and crossed his arms in consideration as he stared at her, legs apart. Every so often he would tilt his head to the side or make a decisive grunt or 'Mmmm'. Finally, he shook his head. "Nah, not attractive."

"WHAAT!?" screeched Ginny tearfully.

"HOW DARE YOU-"

"EVICTING MOLLY AND GINERVA MOLLY WEASLEY FROM THE HOUSE OF BLACK, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!" yelled Sirius quickly, and all of a sudden the girls vanished from their spots.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY MUM! I MEAN SISTER! I MEAN – MUM AND SISTER!" bellowed Ron. Orion noticed smugly that he wasn't a midget compared to the tall Weasley anymore. Cupboard logic.

Then he noticed that Ron had accidentally sort-of said that his father had knocked up his daughter to create his mother, who was also his sister. Orion couldn't help but let out a small giggle.

"I evicted her for rudeness," said Sirius calmly, as though such things happen every day. "You'd do the same if a guest in your house showed no respect towards the host."

Just then, Dumbledore arrived via the floo, wearing a rather regular fluorescent pink robe with dancing bedpans clattering about on it. As he did so, Remus' eyes widened and leaned in to whisper something in Sirius' ear. Something that caused the Black Lord's eyes to melt… I meant widen.

Clearing his throat, Sirius grinned sheepishly. "Oops, apparently the author wants those two bints here for the final showdown. Let's just forget that ever happened, shall we?"

Nods and noises of agreement flooded the room, and suddenly Molly and Ginny were back in place. All was well again!

"Sirius my boy, such a beautiful lover you have scavenged!" exclaimed Dumbledore, running his eyes hungrily up and down the teenage boy's form. His gaze lingered below Orion's stomach, much to their displeasure. "I'm sure you don't mind if I borrow-"

"Ah-ah. No, I am not giving my son out as a fuck-toy, Dumbledork," replied Sirius, waving a finger condescendingly.

Dumbledore's twinkling eyes filled with fear. "Si- Sirius? You- you don't have a son, my boy!"

"Oh yes I do! You just obliviated me, you little shit!"

The Chief Warlock looked at Sirius sadly. "The goblins got you already, then?"

"What?"

"The goblins. Severus betrayed me and set it up for you to kill me with them," Dumbledore explained with sagged shoulders. "Just get on with it, my boy. I dare say I have lived too long already."

Sirius gave Dumbledore a long look. "Prove what you're saying is true."

"If I might draw my wand?" Dumbledore asked. Given a positive, he drew it from his pants – I mean pocket – and pointed it at the trio. "_Finite incantatem_."

Everything about the three was returned to how it used to be.

Harry looked down at his once again wimpy self. "I'm ugly again!"

Remus scratched his head in confusion. "Why did we drink that cauliflower piss anyway?"

Sirius just gave his once again godson a forlorn look. "You mean I _don't_ have a son?"

The headmaster shrugged and gave Sirius an apologetic look. "I am sorry, Sirius."

But then Sirius bit his lip. "Was the bit where Molly and Ginny were conspiring to force Harry into marriage real?"

Molly went pale and started waving her hands frantically. "What? N- No! We- we'd never do that to H-Harry!"

"I did hear you, you know," Arthur stared at his wife incredulously. "Do you expect me to just forget that?"

"Uh… Uhhhhh YES! OBLIVIATE!"

Everyone in the room forgot Molly's decision to manipulate Harry.

"Oh dear, I do believe I am late for lemon drops…" muttered Dumbledore as he went back through the floo.

Sirius blinked repeatedly, trying to shake off the feeling that something was wrong. Then he caught sight of his sexy godson and suddenly his trousers felt tight. "So, now you're not my son, Harry… does that mean we can shag?"

Harry looked at his godfather warily for a moment before realising just how handsome the man was, and found himself nodding slowly. "I think… I think I might like that."

As the fugitive smothered Harry in a wet kiss, disregarding the observers, Severus Snape cackled silently from the shadows. Yes, his plan to kill Dumbledore was ruined… but his plan to kill Black was still in motion! Now he just had to make sure no one tested them for lust potion before sunset, and-

"OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU KISSING HARRY?!"

"QUICK, SOMEONE CHECK THEM FOR DRUGS AND SHIT!"

"What and shit?"

"Just… potions."

"Ah, right."

"HOLY SHIT! THEY'RE UNDER LUST POTIONS BREWED BY SNAPE!"

"OH MY GOD HE'S IN THE WALL THERE!"

"REDUCTO!"

As Severus' entrails were spilled across the floorboards (and trampled on by Crookshanks), the last thing he thought before he fell into eternal blackness was '_Fucking Black!_'

* * *

**Alternative (well, original) ending **

**(Begins with the cauliflower condiment results)**

Sirius and Harry leaned in together to read, ignoring the gaping Remus who was also trying to get a peek.

**_Name_**_: Orion Sirius Puppis Black-Potter-Evans-Gryffindor-Slytherin-Hufflepuff-Ravenclaw-Emrys-Le Fay-Dumbeldore-Flamel-McGonagall-Flitwick-Snape-Hagrid-Malfoy-Lestrange-Tonks-Lupin-Granger-Shitface-Obama-Newton-Jeffery-Einstein-Death-God_

**_Parents_**_: Sirius Orion Black and Lily Marigold Black nee Evans_

**_Godparents_**_: James Charlus Potter and Minerva McGonagall_

**_Ancestors of notice_**_: Rubeus Hagrid, Draco Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange, Nymphadora Tonks, Severus Snape, Filius Flitwick, Albus Dumbledore, Merlin, Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, Salazar Slytherin, Jesus, some random goblin, Death_

**_Children_**_: Daniel Granger, Morgana Le Fay, Barack Obama, Jesus_

**_Grandchildren_**_: Hermione Jean Granger, Morgana Le Fay's incest lover/son, Isaac Newton, Einstein, Molly Weasley, Tom Marvolo Riddle, Jesus, Albus Dumbledore, some goat in Nottingham_

**_Date of Birth_**_: 31/07/1980, 31/07/? [CRITICAL ERROR]_

**_Magical Ailments_**_:_

_Advanced Illusion Charm – dispelled_

_Optical Hampering Charm – dispelled_

_Memory Charms – dispelled_

_Intelligence Suppressor – dispelled_

_Soul Piece – dispelled_

_Soul Bond Suppressor – dispelled_

_Anti-Independence Charm – dispelled_

_Loyalty Charms – dispelled_

**_Soul Mate_**_:_

_Severus Snape_

Sirius gaped at the piece of paper that made absolutely no sense to him – after all, how can one be both descended from Albus Dumbledore and be his granddad? How could he be God, be descended from Jesus, be Jesus' father _and_ be Jesus' granddad? How was he even God, that's a better question! God wasn't even on _his_ sheet, and he was supposed to be his dad! From beside him, he heard Harry gasp. "Severus is my soul mate?" said the teenager with… a tone of hope?!

The animagus looked at him incredulously. Okay, when the hell did Harry become okay with old Snivelly? And for that matter, why the hell weren't they reading _his_ sheet? Wasn't he important?

His bewilderment was raised even further when Remus just smiled and said "Oh, I knew I saw something between you two. All those insults hurled around… that's sexual frustration without a doubt."

"Moony?" Sirius spluttered incredulously.

Moony turned to Sirius and smiled happily. "Aren't you happy for your son, Sirius? He gets to know his true love, and-"

"I felt my soul mate calling for me," came a voice Sirius hated from the doorway. He turned to face the door, and indeed, Snivellus stood there. "I somehow knew my soul mate was being prevented from feeling me, and I did my best to find him… and now I have found you, my Harry-poo…" Snape cooed as he 'gracefully' and 'sexily' 'glided' across the room towards Sirius' son.

"Now wait just one sec-" Sirius indignantly began, but never got to finish.

"Oh Sevvy-poo, I just knew there was something between us, but I didn't know what!" cried Harry. "Oh Sevvey-poo, please marry me!"

"For you, my love, I shall. Fuck me?"

"Fuck yes."

"What the- HARRY?!" Sirius yelled in a high pitch he would later deny as his son and enemy began to tear each others' clothes off where they stood/sat. He turned to the goblin and Remus and found that they must have turned off or something, because they weren't moving one single fucking bit.

"GUYS?!" he screamed, waving a hand over Remus' face. He remained unresponsive. "Oh shit, what's happened? I need to get out of here…" he rambled in panic as Snape began sucking on Harry's… okay, don't think about that, Sirius… Wait, his name! "ORION SIRIUS PUPPIS BLACK-POTTER-EVANS-GRYFFINDOR-SLYTHERIN-HUFFLEPUFF-RAVENCLAW-EMRYS-LE FAY-DUMBELDORE-FLAMEL-MCGONAGALL-FLITWICK-SNAPE-HAGRID-MALFOY-LESTRANGE-TONKS-LUPIN-GRANGER-SHITFACE-OBAMA-NEWTON-JEFFERY-EINSTEIN-DEATH-GOD! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" he bellowed, but to no avail; Orion Sirius Puppis Black-Potter-Evans-Gryffindor-Slytherin-Hufflepuff-Ravenclaw-Emrys-Le Fay-Dumbeldore-Flamel-McGonagall-Flitwick-Snape-Hagrid-Malfoy-Lestrange-Tonks-Lupin-Granger-Shitface-Obama-Newton-Jeffery-Einstein-Death-God was not listening, and was now crying in ecstasy as Snape hammered his… don't think about it.

Sirius, terrified, ran over to the door only to find it locked. "_Alohomora_!" he cried desperately, but it didn't work. "Oh shitting hell, I am not staying in here while my son fucks Snivellus in plain view of a goblin and Remus… fuck, he's practically his uncle! Why aren't they doing anything?!"

After half an hour of trying to escape, the couple finally calmed down. Only once they'd dressed and cleaned up did Remus and Screwjaw begin moving again, completely oblivious to Sirius' continued mental breakdown and trauma. Screwjaw smiled at Snivellus, who had Harry perched on his lap. "Ah, Severus. Good to see you."

"Good to see you too, Screwjaw," Snivellus smiled. He then turned to Remus. "I have been friends with the goblins for many years. That is why they call me by my first name."

"Wow, that's really cool, Severus!" gushed Remus. Wait, did Remus just… Oh shit… Sirius felt the colour drain from his face.

"SEVVY'S MINE, WEREWOLF!" screamed Harry, and despite the underage magic laws, whipped out his wand like some popular anime character and AKd the man. He knew he wouldn't get in trouble because 1) he was Harry Potter, 2) he was God, 3) he was Dumbledore's granddad and therefore the man had to do as he said, and 4) because he'd finalised the soul bond with Snape, he'd been automatically emancipated, thus underage laws did not apply to him, meaning killing Remus Lupin with an illegal curse was perfectly fine for him.

"REMUS!" Sirius screamed in horror, rushing over to his dead best friend, who despite being dead, smiled up at him.

"Don't worry, Sirius," the werewolf whispered lovingly, "I'm sure things will work out in the end. They're really good together, you know… I love your sexy arse, Siri…"

And then he was gone.

Sirius kept his face blank as he looked up at the now snogging couple that he knew just _wasn't_ right. It would be more natural for Sirius to butt-fuck Harry himself, and he was his father. Old-Remus was right; he really did regret making this trip with Harry.

Not really knowing where he got it from, Sirius stared at the muggle pistol in his right hand, and just knew it contained two bullets. One to save his son –or godson, he wasn't sure anymore – and one to save himself. He subtly pointed it towards the gorgeous raven haired teenager and- **_BANG_**!

He didn't notice Snivellus cry out in grief as Harry's – well, Orion's – brains coated the walls. He just took in the sight of his son's demolished face that _he'd_ blasted as he shot himself in the mouth, leaving himself to become the third corpse on the floor that afternoon, and the second set of brains to decorate the poor goblin's wallpaper.

* * *

Sirius opened his eyes, and realised he was naked. He shivered, and just as he wished he had some, a pile of his favourite clothes fell onto his face. He scowled at the garments. "Haha, very funny."

As he got up and dressed, he realised that he was in a strange, pink and purple place. Wondering whether the afterlife was meant to be this girly, he almost tripped up on his trousers. But then, when he was completely changed, he saw… "HARRY!"

He bounded over to hug his son, and smiled when he heard the teen laugh. "Thank you so much for saving me, Sirius! I don't know how I'd have coped living with Snivellus like that!"

"No problem," Sirius smiled sadly at Harry. "It was my fault anyway. Moony did warn me-"

"It's fine, Sirius," Harry/Orion waved it off. "And besides, it's Screwjaw's fault for performing that fake test of Snivellus'. The greasy git just wanted a legal excuse to screw me."

Sirius flinched. "Ew, that's gross."

"Yeah, that's what I said." Harry shrugged. "Oh well. You know, I'm still not calling you dad, am I?"

"Yeah, for some reason I get the feeling that part of the test was actually true."

"So do I," said Harry with a smirk, "although that may be because mum and James just told me. And by the way, I'm not related to most of the people in that list."

"Thank fuck," sighed Sirius in relief. "Well, you gonna take me home?"

"Hell yes."

* * *

**AN**:

This fic was based on the idea of a crack fic where Sirius decides to take control over Harry's life. Everything after that just sort of happened. Dumbledore's sincerity about being innocent is up to you. Snape's plot to kill Sirius at the end of the real ending was inspired by the original ending.

In fact, I'm not sure I even intended this to be a crack fic. I have a feeling it might have just happened, but I started writing this in October, so...

The original ending was scrapped because:

1) I wanted to have a final confrontation

2) I accidentally turned it into a parody of a lot of powerful!Harry fics or stories where Snape is just randomly exposed to be Harry's soul mate and they're both totally fine with it.

3) It felt like there was something missing


End file.
